So I Broke Up With My Boyfriend
Again. For the umpteenth/third time. Umpteenth if you count all the times i told him "This is over" and 8 hours later we were crying in each other's arms. Third if you count serious, long, "real" breakups where I (though not him) dated other people and tried (quite unsuccessfully) to move on.
Its been almost 2 years now since I sat down next to a stranger at a lunch at an almost-stranger's house and 3 days later that stranger called me. I'd been in Israel for 3 weeks, and had been introduced to so many new faces I couldn't keep track. So when this stranger called me and said "Hi, this is D., I met you at Shabbat lunch" I had to comb my memory to figure out which D. it was. He asked me out for dinner, and from then on we were an item. Typical D., his credit card got rejected when he tried to pay for dinner, and though that would normally turn me off (come on people, be prepared!) somehow it didn't matter. [it turned out that there was a problem with the magnetic strip -- not that he was destitute and unprepared/expected a free meal]
Three weeks later he told me he loved me. Though I didn't tell him, I could picture us watching the grandkids playing in the yard. He went off to Egypt for a month, and though I was scared, I went to visit him. At some point I told him about the grandkids...and that was the end of the idyllic phase. Since that point we have broken up now 3 times over why he doesn't want to get married. In 2 years I have heard every reason under the sun...work's too stressful, work's not going anywhere, i'm not ready (honest), we're not ready, you're not ready, wait 'til you meet my parents, wait 'til my parents leave.
D. obviously just doesn't want to get married...either not now or not to me. Or maybe not at all. He swears otherwise, and often tells me "I'll do it...soon". Problem is, soon hasn't happened yet. And while I am don't hear my biological clock ticking yet, I don't want to be in a relationship that could not culminate in marriage. I wouldn't date someone I could never settle down with -- like a non-co-religionist or someone who hates dogs (I have a lovable, fluffy best friend). So I feel like D. is never going to want to get married and will always have another reason/excuse why he can't.
On the other hand, I love him. I think we're past the heart-thumping, sweaty palms kind of love of my "youth", but we have a more mature kind of love. And though I tell him frequently otherwise, I know he loves me. Neither of us is perfect (heck, who is?) and we both have our faults, but we love each other. He's patient, kind to others, deeply intelligent, mostly openminded.
I wish I could say "we love each other, i'm in no rush, i'll just wait". But this standing-still-in-one-place has taken a massive toll on our relationship. I firmly believe a relationship has to always be moving to be successful. And we're up against a brick wall. Its been 2 years and we've got nowhere to go anymore. And instead of moving forwards, we're going backwards. I'm pissed and I pick fights for no good reasons. Or maybe there's a reason, but it doesn't warrant the fight we have. Its getting to the point where I can't remember why I wanted to marry him after all. And he's thinking "If she's gonna get on my case because I didn't call when she thought I said I would, can you imagine what the next 60 or 70 years would be like with her?"
So, folks who have far more experience than this little Jerusalemite, any suggestions? I've already heard from the "take no prisoners, you deserve better, i'm cynical and just want a ring on my finger" crowd, so now I'd like to hear from the romantics in the crowd.
Its been almost 2 years now since I sat down next to a stranger at a lunch at an almost-stranger's house and 3 days later that stranger called me. I'd been in Israel for 3 weeks, and had been introduced to so many new faces I couldn't keep track. So when this stranger called me and said "Hi, this is D., I met you at Shabbat lunch" I had to comb my memory to figure out which D. it was. He asked me out for dinner, and from then on we were an item. Typical D., his credit card got rejected when he tried to pay for dinner, and though that would normally turn me off (come on people, be prepared!) somehow it didn't matter. [it turned out that there was a problem with the magnetic strip -- not that he was destitute and unprepared/expected a free meal]
Three weeks later he told me he loved me. Though I didn't tell him, I could picture us watching the grandkids playing in the yard. He went off to Egypt for a month, and though I was scared, I went to visit him. At some point I told him about the grandkids...and that was the end of the idyllic phase. Since that point we have broken up now 3 times over why he doesn't want to get married. In 2 years I have heard every reason under the sun...work's too stressful, work's not going anywhere, i'm not ready (honest), we're not ready, you're not ready, wait 'til you meet my parents, wait 'til my parents leave.
D. obviously just doesn't want to get married...either not now or not to me. Or maybe not at all. He swears otherwise, and often tells me "I'll do it...soon". Problem is, soon hasn't happened yet. And while I am don't hear my biological clock ticking yet, I don't want to be in a relationship that could not culminate in marriage. I wouldn't date someone I could never settle down with -- like a non-co-religionist or someone who hates dogs (I have a lovable, fluffy best friend). So I feel like D. is never going to want to get married and will always have another reason/excuse why he can't.
On the other hand, I love him. I think we're past the heart-thumping, sweaty palms kind of love of my "youth", but we have a more mature kind of love. And though I tell him frequently otherwise, I know he loves me. Neither of us is perfect (heck, who is?) and we both have our faults, but we love each other. He's patient, kind to others, deeply intelligent, mostly openminded.
I wish I could say "we love each other, i'm in no rush, i'll just wait". But this standing-still-in-one-place has taken a massive toll on our relationship. I firmly believe a relationship has to always be moving to be successful. And we're up against a brick wall. Its been 2 years and we've got nowhere to go anymore. And instead of moving forwards, we're going backwards. I'm pissed and I pick fights for no good reasons. Or maybe there's a reason, but it doesn't warrant the fight we have. Its getting to the point where I can't remember why I wanted to marry him after all. And he's thinking "If she's gonna get on my case because I didn't call when she thought I said I would, can you imagine what the next 60 or 70 years would be like with her?"
So, folks who have far more experience than this little Jerusalemite, any suggestions? I've already heard from the "take no prisoners, you deserve better, i'm cynical and just want a ring on my finger" crowd, so now I'd like to hear from the romantics in the crowd.
posted by Noa at 3:38 PM
2 Comments:
Marriage is still just a piece of paper, I would wait it out. And stop pressuring him.
Get out of this relationship as soon as possible otherwise the concept of marriage will haunt you for days and night and take your energy, happiness and love away. Get out as soon as possible!
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