Wednesday, November 30, 2005

You're never fully dressed....

There are so many reasons my husband is a great guy, and why he's so darn lovable. But he has this one talent/quality that sometimes makes me want to strangle him, and other times makes me laugh so hard milk shoots out my nose, and sometimes its both reactions simultaneously.

Bryan is one of those guys who, no matter how hard he tries, will always look like a bit of a disaster. So much so that he's stopped trying. This is not to say that he doesn't care at all what he looks like, or tries to dress like crap. It just means that no matter how hard he tries, something goes wrong. Sometimes he'll go for a few days without shaving. I'll complain and he'll go back to shave, but somehow he will *always* miss this one tiny spot right under his right nostril,to the effect that the remaining cubic micrometer has an alarming way of looking much like a booger. On the days that this occurs, everything else will be right with his appearance.

His shirts, which all started out their lives as wonderfully trendy pieces of clothing, have all developed battle wounds from one thing or another. My personal favorite story (and this is something that could happen only to Bryan) was his pink dress shirt. I wondered why he owned any pink items of clothing at all - despite the fashionableness - but then he told me he was invited to a wedding where the dress code was "Glamorously chic" and this was my husband's impersonation of such a style of dress.

On Simchat Torah Bryan was wearing his pink shirt, and turns up after shul with the entire sleeve ripped from elbow to wrist. I was curious how such an incident could have happened - I mean, I know the man-dancing gets rowdy, but only Bryan looked like he'd been in a fight. Somehow, somehow one of the shul members managed to catch either the sights or the trigger of his pistol on Bryan's sleeve (it wasn't the butt, and the barrel was in the holster) and rip it. You're probably all scrathing your heads, thinking "Huh?" much like I was, but there you have another classic Bryan story.

Anyway, since he starts a new job in 1 week, I strong-armed him (literally) into buying 2 new shirts for work. We bought a lovely light blue one, and a more blue-blue shirt, and 2 pairs of cordoroys. Well, about 1 hour after we arrived home from shopping, I said, "How about you wear that lovely new blue-blue shirt we bought today, to synagogue tonight?" And he said, "I can't". He said he wouldn't tell me why because I'd "get cross" with him.

Eventually, Bryan 'fessed up that he had .....wait for it....already managed to make the brand-new shirt dirty before removing it from the shopping bag! Apparently, when we'd stopped at the bakery on the way home, a small amount of warm chocolate filling had escaped his croissant, fallen straight into the shopping bag in his hand, and gotten to the shirt. Now, most people, when noticing such a large amount of their croissant falling from their lips, would check to see where it had landed. But not Bryan. Nope, he just patted the bag closed (thereby grinding the still-warm chocolate into the new shirt) and went on his merry way.

But that's not all.

Bryan has since been to the cleaners twice since the shirt incident last Friday. But he has not brought the new shirt in to be cleaned. Last night, when I asked him why, he said that he did a cost-benefit analysis and decided that the 14 NIS that he would have to spend on cleaning the shirt must be added to the overall purchase price of the shirt, therefore bringing the final purchase price to something he would never had paid for the shirt.

Therefore, his solution is that he will wear the shirt for the next 2 Friday nights, underneath a jersey/sweater, thereby hiding the chocolate stain, and only then will he bring it into the cleaners, because then it would be worth it to pay the 14 NIS for the dry-cleaning.

I pointed out that none of his existing sweaters match the shirt in any way, but he thinks that if royal blue and orange (the color of his favorite sweater) are good enough for the previous South African flag, then its good enough for him to wear to shule. Or alternatively, he could simply go buy another sweater, in order to have one to match the shirt that he could wear along if he'd only pay the 14 NIS.

To quote another happy couple I know "No, no ladies, I saw him first. Back off, he's mine".


Blogger Jeru Guru said...

I spent last night going over your whole blog from March 17, 2004 to last Saturday.

What a journey! Armed with a box of Kleenex I strapped myself in to your roller-coaster of life.

All the ups and all the downs.

The canon of writing you have assembled here is truly something to be proud of.

You have matured as both a writer and as a person.

And the evolution of B to Bryan to your Beshert to your Ba-al Ha-Bayit is really cool to track.

If in 18 months I have something 1/10000th as good as you - I will be euphoric.

As for this post yourself - ever thought of calling in "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" ;)


2:47 PM  
Anonymous Essie said...

LOL! Great post! I have already resigned myself to the fact that my future husband will require me to make all fashion-related decisions for him (although I know he will be wonderful in all other areas). :)
Good luck getting Bryan to relinquish the S. African flag color scheme.

4:22 PM  
Blogger lisoosh said...

A wedding with a dress code of "Glamorously Chic" is just asking for trouble.

4:45 PM  
Blogger Gilly said...

He's such a guy.....

Give him time!

8:38 PM  
Anonymous east side bubby said...

he sounds great and i'm sure he is perfect in other areas
if that's his biggest fault your a luck girl!
and with my apologies to gilly, he aint gonna change, dont even try

11:39 PM  
Blogger tafka PP said...

Actually getting him to go shopping with you and buying the stuff- dirt notwithstanding- is pretty impressive in itself, my dear.

Now, on a personal note- think maybe it is time we stopped communicating via our blogs?!

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Allison said...


When we started seriously dating, I went into my future husband's closet with a big garbage bag and removed the items I couldn't stand looking at.

And I think we went shopping for clothes for him on our fourth date.

Take charge early in this department, I'm telling you. Don't go for the argument that they are "his clothes" and this is his personal issue and none of your business.

Say what I say -- "you may be wearing them, but I am the one who has to look at you all the time. Therefore, what I say goes."

12:12 PM  
Blogger Imshin said...

You are not alone, my dear. I despaired years ago.

Allison can say what she wants, my Bish cannot be tamed. He takes pride in going to meetings with big clients, important committees, the occasional government minister, etc, looking like something the cat dragged in, including three day stubble. "They'll judge me by my merits, not by my appearance." He says, and can't be budged.

He did agree, unwillingly, to wear a jacket for two or three short TV appearances a while ago, but the stubble stayed.

I console myself that when he starts taking an interest in his appearance I should start worrying.

9:17 AM  
Blogger Esther Kustanowitz said...

So funny. Unfortunately, I share the same klutzy cluelessness with Bryan. Oh well. I just need to hope I end up with someone less klutzy and more clued in...

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*laughed* my a** off all the way through this one.

been enjoying catching up on your entire blog on and off for the past day.

being able to take in so many of your ups and downs over the past few years so quickly makes for some intense reading.

thanks for sharing so many of your experiences, and many blessings on what seems like a truly blessed meeting of the hearts and new family.

but more than anything, this post had me holding on to the table so i wouldn't fall over.

a *cost-benefit analysis* of a chocolate stain. priceless.

7:09 PM  

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