Friday, July 02, 2004

The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow

Last night I went to the wedding of a friend, JJ. I was seriously debating not going, because I knew D. would be there (I'd met JJ through D., though I'm probably in better touch with JJ than D. is). In fcat, when the invites had gone out and the RSVP cards sent, D. and were still a couple and had been invited and RSVPed as such. And I knew that I would have to be the one to explain to anyone who asked that D. and i were no longer together, and why. And honestly, its pretty painful to attend a wedding with someone who repeatedly tells you they don't want to marry you. Particularly when the couple getting married have dated 1/4 of the time D. and I have.

But I decided I would fox myself up, look glam and gorgeous, and go have fun. And i mostly did. Sure, about 4 or 5 times during the wedding, I had to excuse myself to go cry in a bathroom stall - once during the chuppah, 2 times during dancing, once when JJ sang Eishet Chayil [Woman of Valour - a "love song" taken from Proverbs, Chapter 31] and once when both JJ's parents and his new wife Bayla's parents were honored with the mezinka dance. The dance actually always makes me cry. I think there is something so beautiful about old love -- two people who loved each other, built a home, raised a family and did such a good job of it that they get to see the last kid married off, and starting the cycle all over again.

When the bride walked down the aisle towards her groom, JJ's face lit up in a way I thought was reserved for lightbulbs. Everyone remarked how happy he looked. He's generally a bright and sunny guy, but this was 1000 wattage happiness. And I realized, I want that. I want my husband to smile like that when I agree to be his wife. Not like D. who repeatedly tells me "Its not that I don't love's just I don't think we're ready to get married" Actually, it is because you don't love me. If you loved me you'd want to show me that, and you'd want to be with me, instead of making up excuses.

I deserve someone who will be that happy, and who will be madly in love with me. Instead of selfishly one-sidedly in almost-but-not-quite love with me.

My thanks this morning to getupgrrl from Chez Miscarriage who provided me with the most honest and truest advice I've received. Someday I know she'll make a great mom. Considering I cried myself to sleep last night, waking up to her wisdom was really needed. Also to the folks at Cafe Hillel for finally getting my breakfast order right and giving me the good tomato jam instead of the nasty fig jam. And two jams instead of one, to go with my brioche challah. Yes, sometimes the sun does come out "tomorrow".


Blogger getupgrrl said...

AIYEEE! "Tomato jam"? I didn't even know that such a thing existed. My teeth are chattering in fear.

You DO deserve that kind of love, my friend. You deserve a man who will adore you in spite of your odd fascination with (gulp) "tomato jam." And he's out there.

2:05 AM  

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