Sunday, April 30, 2006

Hormones gone mad!

Bryan is a lying, cheating piece-of-crap bastard.

But only in my dreams.

Sorry for the misleading opener there (I can see half of you guys going "Oh no, what the heck did she do to this one!") - Bryan is still a wonderful hubby. But for some reason, for the past few months, I keep having these dreams where Bryan becomes the nastiest man alive.

I've had dreams where Bryan has cheated on me because I got too fat during pregnancy and then left me alone with a 2 month old baby. In fact, in one dream, Bryan stole our ketubah/prenuptial agreement when he left, and then I couldn't find the second copy so I had no proof of anything and I was left penniless.

The dreams aren't really funny - especially because they're so graphic. They seem so real. I'll give birth to our baby, and it will have a name and everything, and then Bryan will do something totally un-Bryan-like and my world unravels.

What is funny, however, is the moment I wake up. Apparently, when I wake up, I'm still sort of confused, and the lines between reality and my dreamland are somewhat blurred. I turn over to see Bryan peacefully sleeping next to me, and I know, I just know that he has been scheming and is about to do something awful. Still half-asleep, I will then kick him over to his side of the bed, or snatch his blankets away, or once, I started sobbing in his face.

Even funnier are the times I wake up, and I can't quite remember the dream I had, I'm just left with this feeling of suspicion towards my beloved. Bryan says he can always tell when that's happened because he wakes up and I am glaring at him out of one eye (the other still mashed into my pillow). And he knows that dream-time Bryan has just sold our firstborn child in order to pay for a new Porsche or something similar. Then he has to convince me it was just a dream.

Bryan is infinitely patient. We've had this bad dream thing going for a couple months now, and never once has he just lost it and yelled, "It was just a dream dammit!". He always calmly explains to me why what just happened in my dream couldn't possibly be real, and then I forgive him - grudgingly. And he never gets mad at me when I yank the blankets off him or anything, though I'm sure he's thinking "separate bedrooms?"

I'm sure this is just my pregnant hormones going whacko - Bryan thinks its because I now feel more vulnerable as a mother-to-be, and so in my dreams I imagine every worst-case scenario possible, so I know I'll be okay. Whatever it is - I'm getting really annoyed at those other pregnant mommies-to-be on the pregnancy website who have dreams about baking cookies with their daughters. Why don't their daughters turn into monsters who throw the still hot cookies at the mommies and then eat them until they explode. Wouldn't that be funnier?

In reality Bryan will be a great daddy - he sings to my belly, and tells it stories and in general seems quite proud of the fact that I now weigh as much as he does. Although, when he found out that baby poop isn't what he thought it was (smaller, cuter versions of adult poop) there were a tense few minutes there, and I thought I'd be alone on diaper duty forever.