Happy

Recently, friends and acquaintances have been commenting on my appearance...specifically that I look thinner and happy. The two are directly correlated.

In the past 2 months I have stopped a working at a meaningless job that I detested, started school (and took the first step towards fulfilling a dream) and ended a relationship with someone who made me feel unloved and unworthy. And I lost 6 kilograms (that's almost 15 lbs.), without trying. I think sadness adds extra weight to a person. Your load gets carried around like a heavy knapsack, bringing you down and preventing you from moving to the best of your ability. And then it translates to physical weight, at least for me. My sadness (or unhappiness) causes me to eat more than I need, and to exercise and move around less.

I've received a lot of comments about my rapid ability to move on with someone new, in light of the D. breakup. Enough that I am addressing them here.

Please, dear blog strangers, understand. Its not that I am a cold, heartless woman, or that I am sublimating my pain over D. and masking it with B. Not at all. Its just that I have already been through the phase where I sit in my sweat pants all day, crying and listening to the Dixie Chicks and Broadway musicals. I just happened to go through it while I was still with D. I knew a long time ago that this would be the ending to that story. It was only recently I chose to accept the reality, and decide that I wanted a different ending for the story of my life. The first time D. and I broke up (a year and a half ago), I cried and thought my heart would split open in two. I made a CD called "Noa's Heartbreak". Songs included "And So It Goes" (Billy Joel), "You Were Mine" (Dixie Chicks), "Both Sides Now" (Joni Mitchell) and "I Know Him Well" (From the musical "Chess").

I thought I would never recover, that I would never love again. That I would end up like poor Miss Havisham. Alas, I underestimated my own strength...and my own stupidity. I continued to get back together with someone I knew in my head (but alas, not in my heart) would never treat me right.

To Anonymous who asked: "Is it that easy to open up again to someone new? to sit on a date without thinking of D? to believe that this time it will be different?"

I have always been blessed to be a cock-eyed optimist. Its dragged me down in terms of always thinking that D. would change, and my long-time hope kept me from accepting the reality. Is it easy to sit on a date without thinking of D.? Yup, pretty easy. I don't find myself comparing people to him. I do hope he's doing ok, because he's not someone that has a lot of friends, and I don't know how he's handling this breakup. But I am not claling to find out.

I think every experience we have influences the future experiences, subconsciously if not consciously (and Sigmund Freud agrees with me). So obviously I have learned something from my relationship with D., but I hope the knowledge I gained will help me move forward, not mire me in the past. Perhaps this time I'll learn to recognize commitment-phobia when I see it. Perhaps (lest you dear readers think I was a perfect saint during the whole D. relationship) I will learn that fighting should always be fair, and that screaming is never a good idea. That communicating feelings should be a huge priority and that no one is ever a mind-reader. And that if a man is not there for you when you need him now, he probably won't be there for you in the future either.

I'm a pretty open person in general, and I will NOT let sad experiences change my essence. I don't know how this will turn out with B., maybe he'll decide tomorrow he doesn't like me anymore, maybe I'll see something I don't like. But I know he isn't D., and I am not going to judge him as if he made the same mistakes. I'll be more alert, more willing to listen to my heart, but that's it.

So now its a lot easier to move on. And recently, several young people I have known (or not known but are in my orbit) have passed away suddenly, from leukemia; an asthma attack; an aneurysm. It makes you think. That today, tomorrow or the next day - these could all be my last day. I don't mean to get morbid (though that's tough hanging in a hospital all day), just introspective. I try to have this frame of mind all the time, regardless of the deaths of people in my world. But it makes me think, and makes me so proud of myself for continuing to strive towards the goal of happiness and fulfillment. To know that if, G-d forbid, I passed on tomorrow, I would die knowing I did the best I could; but also that I still have so much left to accomplish, and that I am constantly working towards those goals. I don't sit around waiting for life to happen. I make it happen.

Rarely, though more often now that I am seeing someone new, I wear perfume. The perfume I chose based on its name first, and its scent second. Clinique Happy. When people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always used to say, "Happy". The profession was irrelevant - and clearly I am still working on that aspect - but I knew that whatever I did, whoever I became, whatever I surrounded myself by, would make me happy. And if it didn't, I would make happiness my goal.

So, yes, friends who have noticed my weight loss and smile, I am striving towards happiness. I'm generally a happy person, but I'm doing my best to stay that way.

There have also been a few comments about B. Who is he, what does he do, how are we faring. Out of respect for B.'s privacy, I am not going to blog about him too much. Afterall, he has no idea I blog, and he certainly didn't agree to publicize his life on the internet. Also, I believe in relationship jinxing. Like I have yet to enter his number in my cellphone, and I believe speed-dial is the kiss of death.

However, I will say that he still smells good, and I am enjoying getting to know him better. He treats me well, and speaking to him always brings a smile to my face. To those who said it was crazy that I am "going steady" with B. after so short a time, I must explain. I am dating towards the goal of marriage. Not marriage with just anyone, but marriage with the right person. And right now I am trying to find him. I think its very hard to concentrate on someone and get to know him well if I am dating more than one person at a time. I'd rather concentrate on someone and know in a shorter time that he's not likely to be The One, rather than go out once a week for 3 months and then decide. So my not seeing other people has nothing to do with anything except, I'd like to get to know B. better, and I don't think I can do that while dating others.

Also, as a total non-sequitur (as this is not a true source of happiness) I am rapidly discovering that nursing is considered a sexy profession. Had I known this, I would have skipped my Biology degree and law school, and gone straight to the tight white uniforms. Giddyup!