Wednesday, September 22, 2004

These are the Daves I know

I guess the thing that keeps me going, instead of holing up in my apartment and listening to dixie chicks and natalie merchant til I slit my wrists, is my friends.

Thank you all, friends I know and friends I don't. To my friend Martyn, who immediately took me out to dinner last night (prompting my mom to ask "What about him? He sounds nice?") and to Chayyei Sarah who will be my date tomorrow. To Dave, who understands that chicks like me hate the pity party. Even if we share our heartbreaks and humiliations in a public forum like this.

And to all the kind readers who reminded me that life goes on and that this is better then being divorced, or even worse, unhappily married.

Thing is, I've had the worse before. About exactly 4 years ago, another man named David did the same thing, only we were already engaged and the invitations were already printed. I owned a wedding dress (which I promptly donated to poorer brides whose fiances hadn't left them), all manner of hats for head covering, was sporting the diamond ring, and had lots of china and challah covers to return.

I can mostly laugh about it now, though this time of year always makes me think, "What was so bad about me?"

When this happened 4 years ago, everyone said, "You're a gem. He's an a**hole. You'll find someone new soon and he'll just be fat and bald."

Except as it turned out, he'd left me for another woman. His camper from Bnei Akiva. They just had their first child, as I heard through the grapevine.

Whereas I still get dumped. And sure, this time its a different David. This time there's no gifts to return. This time, this David dumped me over the phone, whereas the last David dumped me at our engagement party in front of friends and family. But the hurt is the same. I keep thinking that in six months I'll see this David engaged to a simpler, less complicated, easier to love girl. As Sally says in "When Harry Met Sally", "It wasn't that he didn't want to get married. It was that he didn't want to marry me! What's wrong with me? I'm difficult!"

So I know that this could've been worse. But I've had worse and somehow this hurt hurts more. This David spent 2 years with me. He knew me like no other person in the world. And he said, "No thanks". He strung me along for two years, always saying "It's not that I don't want to marry you. I'm just not ready yet!" And yesterday he finally said, "I don't want to marry you."

And the thing is, I knew this. I knew he'd never commit to me. I knew that (again, "When Harry Met Sally") "When you find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." If he really loved me as much as he claimed, he would've married me years ago.

I just feel so stupid. I saw this coming a long time ago. Yet I loved him, I believed in us. I worry I will never find a "fit" like David. Maybe I'll find someone who treats me better. But will I find someone I can spill my heart to, and not feel judged? Can I survive another heartbreak? After the last David, I told myself I could not survive another heartbreak. One more, and I was finished. I would only take the chance if I thought it was really worth it, if I really thought I wouldn't get hurt.

I remember when this David and I started dating, and things were super intense and moving fast. I told him, "I think I'm falling in love and that scares me so badly I want to end this now. If I love you, it means you can hurt me, and I can't take more hurt." Dave told me, "I can't even hurt an ant, how do you think I'd ever be able to hurt you?"

Ah, the sweet naivete of new love.

There's this song called "These Are the Daves I Know" by a Canadian group called The Kids in The Hall. I'd like to make my own edition:

These are the Daves I know
I know I know
These are the Daves I know

David E. was once my fiance
But he left me in front of guests
At our very own part-ay

These are the Daves I know
I know I know
These are the Daves I know

David S. just could not commit
Maybe its me, maybe its him
I think its time to quit

And for now, no more Daves.

15 Comments:

Blogger amechad said...

Aw, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say other then what I told my (now wife) when we started dating 4.5 years ago -- on behalf of the entire male sex, I apologize for anything bad we have done to you. I offer you the same apology. It's true, men are scum sometimes.

I haven't met you -- yet -- but I've met your parents and some of your friends. Clearly these guys were idiots and, despite dating them for a long time, they don't know what they are missing.

9:09 PM  
Blogger Dave said...

You deserve better. And while these words may hold little comfort for you now, they will when you do meet the man lucky enough to have you as his wife.

From one of the "good" Daves(http://www.israellycool.com/)

9:18 AM  
Blogger Noa said...

Avi - How's the klitah going? Thanks for the apology!

Dave - You are not just a good Dave, you're a good Aussie Dave, unlike this last Aussie Dave in my life. Thanks!

9:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't have "Daves," but I seem to have hooked up with Aquarians. The birthday celebrations around Valentine's Day were very familiar to me. The last one, however, I married. I say, don't rule out another Dave just because of his name.

5:18 AM  
Blogger Gilly said...

Noa,

You're seriously one of the coolest people I know. You are beautiful, smart, witty and funny. You have so much going for you and you will find a very, very lucky guy. I'm just sorry that it's taken so much heart break along the way.

Gilly

12:41 PM  
Blogger Joshua Billington said...

Remember David means 'beloved'. Just find one that lives up to the name.

Just think of all the Daves you don't know!!!!!!!!!!

-From a happily married dave in support of the daves you don't know.

7:41 PM  
Blogger Jack's Shack said...

You don't know me, so my words may not offer any sort of meaning or support to you. But I suspect that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

The lessons you learn here are things that you will find pay dividends in the future. For now they probably don't offer much and you might even consider me some kind of an ignorant pain-in-the-ass.

Anyway, it is a new year and hopefully new beginnings. I hope that it brings you something nice that makes you happy.

7:29 AM  
Blogger Susan said...

Noa, I hope you are doing okay. I am sorry to hear about your heartbreak. Unfortunately, I've been through a similar situation, so I know how painful it is. If it's any consolation, it helps if your life is otherwise happy. Right now you are living where you want, pursuing your dreams -- concentrate on these things in your life, and hopefully everything else will fall into place.

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Res -
*big hug*

i'll give it to you for real when i see you next.

- Dani

8:15 PM  
Blogger Tzemach Atlas said...

Noa, when will you blog again?

4:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Noa,

A strong man is worth waiting for.

With love,
A Friend

1:03 PM  
Blogger Esther Kustanowitz said...

There's a Dr. Seuss story called "Too Many Daves." Highly recommended for you, and for anyone who's on Jdate, swimming in a vast oceans of Davids.

2:49 AM  
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